GET YOUR EX BACK 7

Written by Administrator Monday, 11 January 2010 10:47

Chapter 7:

Maintaining the Fun and Love Without Dredging Up Old Wounds and Arguments

Congratulations! You’re back together with your ex. While it may be tempting to stop doing all the hard work that got you back into reconciliation, this is not the time to shirk your duties in the relationship. Remember what you led you to the breakup in the first place? That’s the trap you need to avoid as you get back with your ex. Find the Fun You’ve spent months wooing your ex with fun dates and conversation. You’ve laughed and had so many good times. Now that you’re back together, you may be tempted to get back into the old routines that are boring and stale. Instead of trying to look your best and take care of yourself, you may find that you want to be lazy and walk around in your sweats all the time. Of course you need to be able to relax in your relationship, but you also have make the commitment to keep working on it in order to keep the romance alive. You have to continue to be fun and exciting as often as possible. Weekly Date Nights Dating worked well for you during the reconciliation process right? So why not keep doing it? Even if you live with someone you can set aside a weekly date night to keep the romance fresh. Dinner and a movie is always nice, but you also need to remember to have a sense of adventure. Try doing things you haven’t done before. Here’s are many examples to help you get started:

 His and hers massages or pedicures at the local spa

 Bike riding through the local park

 Lasertag

 Miniature golf

 Roller skating at the local rink

 Ice skating

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 Playing cards or board games

 Going to the theatre

 Go canoeing

 Share a bubble bath

 Be a tourist in your own town and visit some local attractions

 Take a class to learn something you’ll both like such as rock climbing, scuba diving, dancing or martial arts

 Go camping

 Take a weekend getaway to a nearby destination

 Send your mate on a romantic scavenger hunt

 Go to a local wine tasting

 Visit an art gallery

 Go on a picnic – if it’s too cold outside you can do it right inside your living room

 Go “house-hunting” in your neighborhood for your dream home

 Get tickets for the local comedy club

 Hit the arcade

 Try bowling a few frames

 Enjoy a day at the local zoo

 Attend a sporting event of your favorite team

 Visit your local museums

This list is a great start, but don’t be afraid to let your imagination find even more little romantic ways to have fun. Giving your relationship variety is a great way to keep the spark fresh and new. If you feel like your relationship is headed back into a rut, you must get out of it as quickly as possible. Couples who play together and have fun have a better chance of being successful in the long run. Chapter7: Maintaining the Fun and Love Page 53 of 62

Keeping Things Fun From Day to Day There are many things you can do on a daily basis that will help keep fun and romance part of your life as a couple. For example:

 Leave little love notes for your sweetie in surprise places

 Pick up a single rose or small bouquet on the way to a date or on the way home

 Make his or her favorite meal and eat it by candlelight

 Rent a romantic movie

 Surprise your partner by doing something that’s normally his or her responsibility

 Make your significant other a mix CD of favorite songs

 Get a copy of a book or CD your love has been wanting

Take Time

Every day take time for each other. Even if you just focus 15 minutes on your partner each day you’ll be doing better than many people. Take that time to find out how their day went and share your own day.

Don’t forget to be physically affectionate with hugs, kisses, massages, and back scratches. These little touches can really bring you closer together as a couple. They don’t take a lot of time in your schedule and help to build intimacy.

Letting Go of the Past

Another key to making this relationship last a long time is letting go of the old arguments. There’s a tendency to bring up every hurtful thing that’s ever happened when you get your feelings hurt once. Try to look at every day as an isolated incident. It’s okay to make your feelings known, but it’s better not to go on the attack. Let go of the things that caused you to break up in the first place. There’s no need to rehash arguments. The same technique you used in the early communication phase of your reconciliation will continue to be valuable. Listen to what your partner has to say. Take responsibility for your part. Apologize. Move on. Give the Gift of Independence Chapter7: Maintaining the Fun and Love Page 54 of 62

When you first get back with your ex, you may have the desire to spend every waking moment with him or her. A little bit of a break can go a long way. Make sure that you give your partner some space to breath. You need to feel secure enough in your relationship that you can each pursue your own interests and friends. Allow your relationship to breathe a little instead of forcing yourselves to be together 24 hours a day. Embracing Disagreement It’s okay to disagree. In fact, it’s healthy to have different views and opinions on things. The problem is when arguments flare up because of those disagreements. There are some ground rules you can follow that will keep you from having knockdown drag-out fights.

 Own your feelings. Say, “I feel…” instead of accusing your partner.

 Figure out what you’re really angry about. Sometimes people argue about something that’s not really the problem in order to avoid a bigger issue.

 Determine if there’s another reason you’re angry. For example, are you sick, stressed at work, exhausted?

 Check to see if your partner is reacting because he or she is experiencing stress or fatigue.

 Make sure that you’re not rehashing old arguments.

 When you begin to talk about an issue that could cause an argument, make sure it is really worth it. Sometimes you need to pick your battles and let things go.

 Avoid attacking your partner personally. You may not like a behavior, but don’t accuse him or her of being a bad person.

 If things are getting too heated, sometimes a little bit of humor can help you diffuse a bomb.

 Don’t let issues get bottled up. Deal with problems immediately.

It’s okay to have disagreements from time to time. But you can avoid having major blow-ups if you work to really discuss your feelings. Don’t let things go on and on until you’re so angry you don’t even remember why. Choose to Forgive If there was a major issue that caused your breakup such as infidelity or unkind words, you need to be able to forgive your partner and yourself before you can really make it work. Chapter7: Maintaining the Fun and Love Page 55 of 62

Many people think that you have to wait until your feelings are better in order to forgive. But the truth is that you have to make the choice to forgive and then the good feelings will come. How do you forgive someone? Is there a process you can use? There’s no one right or wrong way, but there are some general tips you can follow.

 First, be specific about what it is you need to forgive. It needs to be a specific behavior, not just someone being mean.

 Ask yourself how you’re feeling. Are you angry? Frustrated? Disappointed? Pinpoint your exact feelings.

 It may help to write down your feelings or talk with a close friend or family member about them.

 Make the decision to let go of your anger. While someone else may have hurt you, how you react to it is your own responsibility.

 Talk to your partner about the problem. It helps to be heard. But when you talk to them give them specific behaviors and own your own feelings. For example, “When you cheated on me I felt very hurt.” No one can argue with your own feelings.

 Try to listen to your partner and understand where they are coming from. There’s usually a reason behind the behavior. Even if you don’t agree with it, hear it.

 Let your partner know that you forgive them. If you’ve done anything wrong to contribute to the problem, ask for forgiveness.

 Accept the fact that your partner may not be as ready to forgive as you are. Give them time.

In order for you to forgive, the guilty party doesn’t necessarily need to seek your forgiveness. You may not even have to talk to your partner about the problem in order to forgive and move on. You may just need to identify your own feelings and learn to let them go. Sometimes that’s all it takes. Forgive and Forget You’ve probably heard the old adage that you should “forgive and forget.” In most cases that is really true. Forgetting, though, is much harder than forgiving. You may need to change the way you look at the idea of forgetting. Chapter7: Maintaining the Fun and Love Page 56 of 62

We have a memory for a reason. It keeps us from making the same mistakes over and over again. We remember the burn of the hot oven or the sting of hurting someone else’s feelings.

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. Peter Ustinov

For this reason it’s critical that we don’t completely forget about our own mistakes. That can also be true for the mistakes of others. For example, if someone treats you very badly you need to forgive him or her.

But it’s not always a good idea to completely forget. If they keep doing it over and over again the pattern can help you make the decision to move on in your life.

However, you can’t keep rehashing old arguments all the time. You need to learn to handle each negative incident in isolation – not bring up all your partner’s mistakes from the past. Once you forgive someone, forgive them and let it go. But if they keep doing the same things to you over and over again, don’t overlook the big picture. Dealing With the Other People In Your Life When you reconcile with an old flame, you’re bound to get to hear the opinions of everyone from your mother to your best friend. While these people are very important to you and care about you, they can sometimes get too involved in your relationship. Make sure that you set boundaries with the people outside of your relationship and let them know that it’s not their place to interfere. It’s okay to listen to their opinions and advice, but let them know it’s okay if you make your own choices. Ask family members and friends to accept your ex back into their lives with open arms and let go of any hard feelings that they may have. Family and friends can really make relationship hell if you don’t set proper boundaries. Enjoy the Honeymoon

It’s so exciting to have your love back fresh and new. Enjoy this time and have fun together. But don’t forget that long-lasting relationships require real work and effort – even when two people are highly compatible.

Your problems were big enough at one point in your relationship to call it quits. You’ll have to watch carefully to make sure that things don’t get to that point again. Try to make every day as fun and friendly as possible. Things May Not Be What You Expect Chapter7: Maintaining the Fun and Love Page 57 of 62

It’s possible that you wanted to reconcile so badly, you neglected to realize that the two of you had some pretty serious problems. Things may not be everything you expected. You may find that reconciling was a mistake. If you get to the point that you feel the relationship isn’t salvageable, it’s okay to end things again. Just make sure to learn from your mistakes and make better choices the next time. In Chapter Eight you’ll learn some strategies for doing that.

Return To Table Of Contents Chapter 8: When Your Relationship Can’t Be Saved Page 58 of 62

GET YOUR EX BACK 6

Written by Administrator Monday, 11 January 2010 10:46

Chapter 6:

Easing Back Into Your Relationship to Solidify Your Love

By the time you’re ready to take the steps in this chapter, at least 30 days have passed since your breakup. Right?… Right? You’re looking and feeling your best. You’ve been dating a little and experiencing new possibilities. Now it’s time to continue with your plan to reconnect with your ex. So how do you get back into his or her life when you’ve been out of it for a while? That’s exactly what you’ll learn in this chapter. How Do You Feel? Before you can begin communicating with your ex again, you need to do a check on how you’re feeling. By now you should be feeling a little bit stronger, self-assured, and you should be having some fun. This will really help to dial down the feeling of panic or desperation that you were feeling in the first few days of the breakup. So how are you really feeling right now? This is important, because if you’re feeling desperate you’re not ready to start talking to your ex yet. Your attitude should be that you can live without him or her and that you’re ready to move on. If you’re still having the feelings that you can’t live without this other person, you’re not ready. Why does this matter? Because your ex knows you well. He or she will know if you’re calling out of desperation. When that happens, you’ll immediately lose points with your ex. Instead of seeming more attractive to your ex, you’ll become less and less appealing. So even if you’re really wishing that you could talk to your ex, don’t do it unless you’re in the mindset of moving on. You may think that you can fake it, but when you have a lot of history with someone it’s really hard to fake emotion. Realize that you’re not much of a mystery anymore to your ex. Wait until the time is right. The First Contact

Okay. You feel like you’re ready. So now it’s time to make a plan to get this person back into your life – and hopefully back into your arms. You’ll need to start with a simple phone call. But the object of the call is really to get this person back into your Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 39 of 62

physical presence only. A short and fun “get together” NOT a date or “I want to talk to you”. Your real objective is just to be seen by him/her, have some fun and to try and ignite a little spark again. If you have done the work on yourself we have discussed, when you meet a “pattern break” usually occurs. You can usually tell because they will act very friendly and different than they had in the past. You seem “new”, exciting, attractive and most importantly they don’t automatically associate the “bad feelings” to your appearance. While you’re going to start with a phone call, it’s not just any old phone call. You need to choose how you’re going to approach your ex with thought. Here are some guidelines:

 Try to pick a time to call your ex when you predict he or she will have a few moments to talk privately

 Focus on fun – don’t bring up ugly memories

from the past

 Prepare to talk about something good in your

relationship – a funny or sweet experience

 Keep it pretty short

 Ask your ex to meet you for a specific

activity – lunch, coffee, etc. (make it a short occasion.) Lunch is way better than dinner. Your ex may fear that you want to have some long grueling conversation or confrontation. You can put them at ease by implying that you will only have a half hour or so.

 Dial down any desperate feelings

While you’re talking to your ex, you need to make sure and keep things pretty light. Talk to him or her for a few minutes and as soon as you feel like you’ve got your old comfortable rapport going, break out your invitation. You don’t need to beat around the bush – just ask! Be specific about a date, time, and activity or location. You should try to call about a week before you actually want to see him or her. This will give you some time to do a little more prep work before the get together. Voicemail It’s possible that you’ll get all geared up to make the phone call, and your ex won’t pick up the line. In the days of caller ID, your ex will most likely know that you called. But you shouldn’t leave a message just yet. At this point you may be tempted to call your ex 500 times a day until you get him or her on the phone. This is a very bad idea. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 40 of 62

Instead call one time and then wait a few days to call again. This may seem incredibly difficult to do when you’re anxious – but your ex will get the message that you’re not desperate. The less desperate you appear to be, the more likely it will be for your ex to pick up the phone. Just seeing your number on the caller ID one time may pique his or her curiosity. Waiting a couple of days to call back will let that curiosity grow. You may even get a call from your ex in response to seeing that you’ve called. If this happens – even better! If you’ve called every couple of days for a week with no response, it’s time to give it a longer break. Keep doing what you’re doing – dating, taking care of you – then try again a few weeks later. Never call more than once a day. If several weeks go by and your ex isn’t responding, it’s time to just let it go. Don’t resort to any other type of communication. Don’t leave a comment on your ex’s my space, send a text message, or type an email. Just let it go. Dating Danger Don’t try to ask your ex to do anything that might be uncomfortable or intimidating. The following list of things is out of the question:

 A wedding

 A large family gathering

 Long meal

 Movie

 Theatrical performance

 Company party

These are all events that are great when you’re dating someone seriously, but when you’re working on returning to your relationship you want to tread lightly. Stick to an activity where the two of you can talk, but where you won’t have to be locked in to a couple of hours together.

Something short and simple is best. Doing lunch is a perfect idea. You may also suggest going out for coffee or a drink. Something that seems casual, gives you time to talk, and won’t last very long is what you’re shooting for. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 41 of 62

Getting a Yes You’re most likely to get a yes to your date if you’ve planned really carefully before you make the call. If you’ve chosen something really specific and non-threatening you’re chances of your ex accepting are much higher. Getting a No You may meet with a little apprehension. Like “Uhhh…I really don’t know?” If so… Just kind of chuckle and nonchalantly say “It’s only coffee”…or “only lunch” This most times will turn into “Okay.” It’s possible that in spite of your careful planning, your ex will not agree to go on a date with you. At this point you may be tempted to:

 Beg and plead

 Get angry

 Accuse your ex of cheating on you

 Rehash every argument you ever had

 Generally fly off the handle

The appropriate response is to gracefully bow out by accepting their no. You can just say, “Alright,” and wish your ex well and then end the conversation. This leaves the door open for future communication. One of two things will then happen. Later on you may receive a call from your ex. It may be that he or she really just needed a little more space before seeing you again. He or she may call you to ask you out – and if you’re still interested you can accept. Believe it or not, you may have already really moved on to a new relationship by the time you hear from your ex again. It’s possible that you’ll be the one who isn’t at all interested in a reconciliation. If you don’t receive a call from your ex, it’s really time to move on. Keep taking care of yourself and continue to date. Don’t keep calling your ex and begging them to see you. This will just make them even less likely to want to spend time with you. Nobody wants to be pressured by a needy person. It may be time to really accept that this relationship is over. But you will live – and you will love again. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 42 of 62

Preparing for the Date You may be rejoicing in the acceptance of your date! But don’t get too excited yet – you’ve still got work to do. There are a lot of things you need to do to prepare for this date. Relax When you start to get stressed, those feelings of neediness may return. Again, you want to keep yourself in “moving on” mode. This means that you have to turn off the part of your brain that is going to put a lot of pressure on you during the date. You must relax and try to focus only on enjoying yourself. If you try to make this date about hashing out your problems and forcing your relationship back together you’ll be making a big mistake. The more pressure you put on your ex at this date, the less likely you’ll be to have another chance. This must be a stress-free, no-pressure get together. Put Your Best Foot Forward

You want to make sure that you show how confident and happy you are. Make sure to dress your best and show how well you’ve been taking care of yourself. You don’t want to appear downtrodden and miserable.

Instead, do your best to look healthy, glowing, and happy. Keep a smile on your face and a gleam in your eye. Mentally prepare yourself to keep things positive during the date.

During the Date When you’re actually on the date, it’s critical that you avoid some of the common pitfalls that may make your date miserable instead of bringing you closer together. Avoid Upset There may be several things you might consider doing once you finally have your ex in your presence. Most of these things should be avoided. Here is an example of some bad strategies that may run through your head:

 Spending more than the allotted ½ hour or1 hour window of time with your ex

 Trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship while you’re talking to him or her

 Focusing on how hurt and sad you are

Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 43 of 62

 Acting downtrodden and desperate

 Trying to seduce your ex

 Attempting to make them jealous

All of these things will only make your problems worse. You must not give in to your desire to do any of these things. The more you try to force things or bring up bad feelings, the less likely you’ll be to have the reconciliation that you want. Keep Things Light While you’re with your ex, try to just relax and have a good time. You’re not going to spend much time together this first date – and you want to leave your ex wanting more. Try to choose an activity that’s something you both enjoy doing. Also try to avoid talking about your relationship very much. Just have fun talking and doing the things that helped you to fall in love in the first place. If you do talk about anything in your history, make sure it’s something that is a good memory – not a fight or anything having to do with the breakup. If an hour goes by and you wish you could spend more time together, forget about it. It may help to schedule something after the date so that you absolutely must leave before you have too much time together. You want to leave things so that you both want to spend more time together at another time. The Instant Reconnect Technique This is a psychological tactic that will trigger his/her subconscious into believing that you are back together again. While it is very simple to do, it is extremely powerful. While you are eating or drinking your coffee…slowly reach over to them and do the “imaginary food particle” wipe. Like they have something on their face. This works extremely well because ONLY people that are in some kind of “loving relationship” do that for each other. So you are signaling to their subconscious mind that you are still in a loving relationship. Does that make sense? You can also use if it seems more appropriate: The Tie Straightener The imaginary lint or hair on the shirt. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 44 of 62

Something in the hair Eyelash on the cheek The Instant Reconnect Technique has a secondary benefit. You can gauge how well your “get together” is going. If they jump out of their skin or pull away…then you know you still have some work to do. On the other hand, if they SMILE and/or thank you, that is of course – positive! Just one warning, don’t do this minutes after meeting them again. Wait until it seems natural. At the End of the Night The way your date ends is just as important as how it began. You must work hard to make sure that you leave your date with a good impression – and that you leave him or her wanting more. Ending the Date If you’re both having a great time, it’s time to end the date. This will make it more likely that your ex will want to see you again. However, you shouldn’t end the date by scheduling another. At the end of your time together you can comment on what a nice time you had, how nice it was to see your ex, but then you just have to say goodbye. Don’t arrange another date and time to see your ex. If Your Ex Asks You However, if your ex talks about wanting to see you again and asks you out for a date, it’s perfectly acceptable for you to say yes. You just don’t want to initiate anything. You need to make sure you exude confidence and appear to have really moved on. Tension Rising It’s possible that on this first date – even though you don’t bring up any relationship problems – your ex will start wanting to discuss the breakup. If this happens, just let your ex say whatever it is they need to say. Don’t get defensive or engage them in this conversation. Just accept what they have to say to you. If you try to change their mind or defend yourself, you’re likely to make the date a miserable experience. You don’t want to do that. Your best option is to simply say “I don’t want to talk about the past…it’s the past…let’s just have some fun.” And change the subject to something fun. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 45 of 62

This works. It works a majority of the time. If they continue to press you, they are really just looking for a validation of their feelings. And you can easily say… “I know you may have feelings that are unresolved. I know that. I am not saying we can never discuss them…I am just saying let’s just not do it today.” (you say this with a very compassionate and caring tone.) (Note: If you followed the previous instructions about limiting the time frame of your get together…these conversations generally do NOT come up.) Continuing to Date So, if your first get together went well you’re probably wondering what the next step will be? You want to take things slowly. Rushing right back into the relationship can bring you right back to where you started. Instead, just give it a little break – about a week or so- before you try asking out your ex again. It’s very possible your ex will call you to set something up. If that happens just go with it and make the plans.

Otherwise, call about a week after the date and try to set up another one. Use the same technique of having a light conversation. Also try to plan a fun activity that will let the two of you really relax and enjoy time together, but one that will induce some type of emotions of excitement.

The more adventurous the better. Putting a little bit of fun back into your dating can help to spark the romance again. A roller coaster ride, an outing on a speed boat, a fireworks display, an exciting magic show are examples that will be “emotional” and memorable dates.

But more importantly…

Is the psychological benefit of an emotionally charged date. Those “emotions” when shared with you will link her/him with you emotionally again! You will have a strong “shared experience”. This is a scientifically proven phenomenon. When two people go thru an emotionally elevated experience it bonds them together. Now this is where it gets even more interesting. If you can pile on 3 or 4 different locations and experiences in one date, in other words, change your environment 3 or 4 times on the date, this will bond (re-bond) them further to you. So what you do is set-up 3 or 4 emotionally charged mini-dates. So you might start out with a roller coaster ride, and then take them to the horse track, after the track to a comedy skit or club. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 46 of 62

See? You are not using coercion. You are not begging them. It just happens by taking advantage of how everyone’s mind works. Bonding happens unconsciously through shared experiences. (This is a secret that is well known by “Don Juans” and people that study the art of seduction, but is not known by the general population.) IMPORTANT: Please do not use this technique alone. You have to “break the pattern” first. Follow the plan…okay? About Sex- IMPORTANT! Advice to men: You want to try and restart the sexual relationship ASAP. Sex IS bonding for a woman. If you have sex together, in most cases in her mind…You ARE back together.

You may worry that getting her back in bed will be hard to do. If you have followed the steps up to now, don’t worry. First, women will sleep with someone they have slept with before much easier than they will a brand new lover. So, you have an advantage.

So, you have taken her here and taken her there. You have strengthened the bond by compressing multiple “emotional experiences” in a short period. Now you MAKE UP a reason to go to her house or better yet…your house, because it IS all clean and IS a testament to the new you…right? So you make up a reason. And this is vitally important. You know and she knows what “could” happen. But, a woman needs “plausible deniability”. You don’t just say “Hey, let’s go back to my place” wink…wink…because women are programmed to not purposely be “loose”. Does that make sense? This is much more effective. “Hey, I got the new Korn CD at the apartment we could go back and listen to it while I show you pictures of my Vegas vacation.” (don’t wait for an answer, just start to go.) Now, she knows EXACTLY what is going on. But, she has “plausible deniability”. She can rationalize…that she is going to listen to music and see some pictures. Not go back and make mad passionate love to you. She will either say…”okay” and follow you…or just follow you without saying anything… Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 47 of 62

Or…she may say “okay…but don’t get any ideas.”…which you will teasingly say with a smile on your face…something to the effect of… “WHOA…slow down…animal…I just want to show you some pictures.” Let her have her “plausible deniability”. Now, if she comes out with a flat out NO. That is okay…just let her have a little more time. Don’t push. Don’t get all emotional on her. Once you are back at your place. Play your CD and show her the pictures or whatever the “excuse” was to get her there. Take it slow and start with a slight touch on her shoulder…or her hand. Make it almost accidental. See how she reacts. Apply the “reconnect technique”. If the reactions are positive…take it forward. If the reaction gets a negative vibe then step back. If for some reason it doesn’t progress into the bedroom. That is okay. You have come a long way. You just try again another time. But, do not get all desperate and needy. Everything is cool with you…no matter what happens. If you can tell you have hit a brick wall. Say… “I had a terrific time today. Are you ready to call it a night?”…and be “good” with ending the date. Advice to women: You do NOT want to sleep with your ex until you have a re-commitment from him. I am not saying to “pressure” him for a reconciliation or commitment. In fact, you want it to be his “idea”. At the same time, you do NOT go back to bed with him until you are back together. Look, men value what they have to work for and what is rare. And men WANT what is rare. THAT is why they commit. They commit to a woman that they feel is valuable, special and RARE. There are also numerous other psychological advantages you will have by choosing NOT to sleep with him. Including:

1. Adding to the mystery.

2. Occupying more of his “mind space”

3. Keeping his desire for you piqued.

4. Much faster reconciliation.

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5. Increased respect for you.

6. Much more…

Now, inevitably, when things are going well and you are refusing to sleep with him he will want to know why? I recommend that instead of telling him you are “holding out for a commitment” Which sounds manipulative, simply tell him that “You are done with casual sex.” See? True. Not manipulative. And it makes your decision not about him, but your values. PLUS…it leaves it open for him to say…”This is NOT casual sex.” To which…you respond… “Oh????????????” (and then turn on your “lie detector”) If Your Date Goes All Wrong It’s possible that you’ll begin dating again to find that you have the same old problems all over again. This may mean that it’s really time to move on with life. What are you holding on to?

You may want to repeat the steps from the beginning:

 Take a break

 Take care of yourself

 Make initial contact again

 Another first date

It may be that it was too soon for you two to try again. It also may mean that this just isn’t the right relationship for you in the first place. You’ll have to trust your instincts. However, if you have to repeat this process more than once, chances are you need to reevaluate. Do you keep putting yourself in this position because you feel like you need to be in this relationship? Are you giving in to feelings of panic and desperation? If this is happening, it’s time to really move on. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 49 of 62

Talking About Being Together If you’ve been dating again for a few months, you may feel like it’s time to actually talk about whether or not you’re going to get back together. Even if you’re behaving like you’re back together, you still need to have an official conversation about it.

Just like you’ve been working to keep things light, you need to continue that pattern when you’re getting ready to ask your ex about a more permanent reconciliation. It’s also a good idea to continue letting your ex take the lead. You can ask questions and test the waters.

For example, you can say, “Didn’t we make a great couple?” This kind of question allows you to see how your ex is really feeling about the time you’ve been spending together. Is it just casual or was your ex thinking that this was going down the road of reconciliation?

Once you’ve asked the question, leave it hanging out there until your ex answers it. Sure, there may be some uncomfortable silence, but you can deal with that – you’ve been handling that well for months now. Let your ex do the talking. He or she will either agree that yes you did make a good couple. You may also get the answer that you’re ex isn’t interested. If you get a positive response, then ask your ex if he or she wants to get back together. Again, patiently await the response. Reunited and It Feels So Good

If you got the positive response you’ve been waiting for all this time – congratulations! It was well worth the months of effort that you put into planning and preparing.

You’re now on the road to a true partnership. But your journey isn’t over yet! In fact, there’s still plenty of work to be done. The reasons for your original breakup can still rear their ugly heads. So take a little time to enjoy the fact that you’re back together. But after you’ve had a breath, it’s time to work on how you’re going to keep your love alive. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 50 of 62

Movin’ On

After all your months of courting and working on yourself, you may still get the answer you’ve dreaded – you’re not getting back together. If your ex flat out tells you that he or she has had fun, but isn’t interested in getting together for a committed relationship it’s time to cut your losses.

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion. Javan

You could spend your entire life going through cycles of trying to get back together. But the truth is that relationships shouldn’t be this hard to keep together. Sure they all require work, but when you get rejected over and over again it’s time to scrape together your self-respect and move on. The Next Steps If you’re back together with your ex, it’s time to continue to the next chapter. This chapter will give you all kinds of help to keep your relationship sparks alive. If you’ve decided that it’s time to move on, go ahead and turn to the last chapter of this book. This chapter is about moving on and handling heartbreak.

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GET YOUR EX BACK 5

Written by Administrator Monday, 11 January 2010 10:43

GET YOUR EX BACK 4

Written by Administrator Monday, 11 January 2010 10:42

Chapter 4:

Re-Igniting the Spark of Passion and Desire

After a breakup, how do you go back to the beginning of your relationship? In order to go back to the initial phases of attraction and romance, you have to renew your feelings of confidence and desirability. Who are you more attracted to? Someone who puts their best face forward? Or someone who looks like they couldn’t care less about their appearance? You don’t have to look like Brad Pitt or Carmen Electra to attract your mate to you. But you do have to put some time and energy into taking care of your health and your looks. This isn’t about becoming the most beautiful or handsome person in the room, it’s about being the best you can be. That may seem impossible when you’re feeling the blues from a breakup, but a few simple steps can bring you back into a healthy frame of mind. It may be hard to think of taking care of yourself, but if you want to attract your ex, you have to start with this crucial first step. When you take care of you, you put out a vibe that no one can see but everyone can feel. It’s like a magnetic force that brings good people toward you. This is critical to helping you get back with your ex. VITALLY IMPORTANT! There is also another psychologically powerful reason to alter your appearance. To change your looks from when you were together, a personal “transformation” if you will. …You MUST BREAK THE PATTERN. What does that mean? Here’s the easiest explanation. Can you recall a smell that brings back powerful memories? Good or bad? For many the smell of cookies baking brings back great childhood memories. I for instance can not stand the smell of Pine-Sol. It brings back awful memories of a very troubling time in my childhood.

Humans unconsciously link emotions to sights, sounds and smells. At the beginning of a relationship there are no “linked” emotions to a persons appearance, unless the person reminds them of somebody. As the relationship progresses good feelings start to associate with the appearance, sound and smell of a person. Bad feelings may associate too, but at the beginning of a relationship there are typically Chapter 4: Re-Igniting the Spark Page 23 of 62

more “good feelings” than bad. We associate pleasure with the tangible features of another person. This is all great when the relationship is going well. It is these “linked feelings” that will keep us attracted through the rough times. What happens in failing relationships, is bad experiences and feelings start to overtake the good experiences. And now we link bad feelings to the tangible features of the other person. We have a pattern. See this person…bad feelings well up. There may be some good too. Overall though the balance has tipped to the negative. What we need to do is BREAK THE PATTERN. There are literally dozens of ways to look, smell and even sound different. So that when we contact and meet our ex again he/she does not run the same pattern and “bad linked feelings” as when the relationship failed. What happens is we start on fresh ground psychologically speaking. This is an unconscious process. This has a DOUBLE WHAMMY effect when the change demonstrates a greater care for ourselves, If we were to lose weight, get our teeth whitened or get our acne cleared up for example. Further, it gives us increased confidence which is a potent aphrodisiac. Begin With the Body

The easiest place to get started is by taking care of yourself physically. When your body is healthy you have more energy. This helps to improve your mental health as well.

Don’t forget to love yourself. Soren Kierkegaard

You may be tempted to do things like fill your body full of junk food and lay in bed watching TV as much as possible after a breakup. You may be having a hard time sleeping or eating at all. Either extreme will do nothing to get you back together with your ex. If you want results, you have to fight these instincts. Everything in this section is designed to give you more energy. That’s because a breakup can often leave you feeling drained. You must take care of your body and increase your energy to have the relationship you desire. Chapter 4: Re-Igniting the Spark Page 24 of 62

Get Moving

The first step in getting your body in shape is to get moving. This means exercise. You need to get into a routine of exercising at least 30-45 minutes every day. If you already have a gym membership – start using it. If not, there are many activities you can do that don’t require a lot of extra money or equipment.

Activities you can do on your own include:

 Walking

 Jogging/Running

 Rollerblading

 Biking

 Swimming

With these activities you’ll get your heart rate up and sweat. This is a great way to help improve your mood. When you exercise, your body creates hormones called endorphins. These chemicals are natural pain relievers that make you feel good. So exercising will automatically help you to improve your mood if it’s vigorous and causes your heart to beat faster. Other exercises can be good for relaxation and strength as well. For example:

 Yoga

 Stretching

 Weight training

 Pilates

These exercises will help to improve your strength. They’ll help you to talk taller and be more confident. These should be used to supplement the more aerobic activities you participate in every day. Finding a buddy can also help you to get into gear. If you have a close friend – or even acquaintance – who would like to work out, it may help motivate you even more. There are many activities that are great for two. For example:

 Biking

 Hiking

 Racquetball

Chapter 4: Re-Igniting the Spark Page 25 of 62

 Tennis

 Basketball

 Jogging/running

 Walking

 Rollerblading

 Aerobics classes

 Water exercise and swimming

Having someone to exercise with can be a great way to get the job done. Remember, this time of exercise is not about becoming the most beautiful or handsome person in the room. Instead, it’s about being the best you possible and about gaining the confidence you need to attract the love of your life. People will notice the extra spring in your step even if they don’t see any of the other physical changes that come from an exercise program. So even if you feel like getting into bed with the covers pulled tightly over your head, fight it and move your body! You Are What You Eat Breakup food often includes one or more of the following:

 Ice cream

 Cookies

 Chocolate in any form

 Drive-thru

 Chips

Sounding familiar? These foods may provide you with some temporary comfort, but in the end they just weigh you down and make you feel even worse. On the other hand when you put healthy foods in your body, you feel lighter and have more energy. A lot of people strive to eat healthy foods, but they don’t really know what foods are the best. In this section you’ll learn about how to eat healthy so that you can have the energy you need to get back with your ex. You’ll also be more attractive to other people when you feel good about yourself. Chapter 4: Re-Igniting the Spark Page 26 of 62

Before you head to the nearest weight loss center, you don’t have to spend a lot of money or join a diet program to feel better. Sure, Kirstie Alley swears by a program but you don’t have to buy into something like that to get the results you need. Protein You need to eat lots of protein to help fuel your muscles and your brain – especially right after a breakup. Foods that contain protein include:

 Beef

 Chicken

 Turkey

 Pork

 Eggs

 Beans

 Milk

 Cheese

 Yogurt

 Nuts – such as almonds or pecans

When you’re choosing protein to eat, you should look for lean cuts of meat. Cuts that are “round” or “loin” are going to be lower in fat than others. You should also limit your servings of red meat (beef) to once a week. Getting protein from low-fat sources such as yogurt and milk can be very beneficial. And the fat that you get from eating nuts is actually good for your heart and health – so nuts are a great source of nutrition. Fruits and Veggies While your body needs protein for muscle growth, it also needs fiber and vitamins. These come primarily from fruits and vegetables. These are nature’s best gift to your body. Fruits and vegetables give your meals color – and the more color you have, the more nutritious your meal is. Every time you sit down to eat, try to make sure you see at least four different colors on your plate. This ensures that your getting a variety of nutritional factors that you need. Chapter 4: Re-Igniting the Spark Page 27 of 62

Many people get stuck in a rut when it comes to fruits and vegetables. You may get sick of eating the same old green beans and apples. But there are literally hundreds of choices when it comes to these foods. Try something a little exotic to add flavor and fun to your meals. Here are some examples: Fruits

 Pomegranate

 Pineapple

 Kumquat

 Strawberries

 Jicama

 Fresh cherries

 Champagne grapes

Vegetables

 Squash

 Peppers

 Beets

 Greens

 Cabbage

 Tomatoes

 Leeks

 Pumpkin

 Mushrooms

You may be a little intimidated about trying to prepare these foods, but you can talk to someone at your local grocer. You can also get plenty of recipes online. Be adventurous and try to eat something at least once a week that you’ve never had before. Feed Your Body Fat Chapter 4: Re-Igniting the Spark Page 28 of 62

You may spend a lot of time and energy trying to eat less fat. But fat is something your body really needs – and it can really help you have more energy and mental health. We’re not talking about the kind of fat that comes with a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a milkshake. It’s unfortunate that those tasty treats don’t provide much health. Instead we’re talking about the kinds of fats that can be found in olive oil, nuts, fish, fish oil, and flax. These are unsaturated fats that actually make your heart healthier. The omega-3 fatty acids that can be found in fish oil and flaxseed oil can also do wonders to improve your mood. In fact, if you eat a couple of servings of these oils every day, you’ll begin to feel their anti-depressant effects. Who wouldn’t want to feel better mentally from something that can also make your body healthy? You can add these oils in easily by eating fish for dinner or by adding a little flax oil to a smoothie or salad dressing. You can also take supplements of omega-3 fatty acids. Hydration for Health

The last major step you need to take to improve your health is to keep your body hydrated. Instead of living on soda and coffee, try drinking water. This will keep you from overeating and help you replace the fluids you’ve lost from all that exercising.

Drinking water also helps to prevent headaches, helps your joints feel better, and keeps you from getting bloated. These things will help you look and feel better so that you can be more energetic and more attractive.

How much is enough? You need about 64 ounces of water a day. That’s about 8 small glasses. If you’re working out a lot, you can always use more. Matching Your Mind with Your Body Getting your body in good shape is the first step to good health. It can help to prevent the feelings of neediness and desperation a la Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. Acting needy or desperate is the best way to kiss your ex goodbye forever. But if you’re serious about reconciliation, you have to get serious about taking care of your mental health. Chapter 4: Re-Igniting the Spark Page 29 of 62

There are many techniques that will help you to get back on balance after the trauma of a breakup. Look through the following ideas and decide which ones you think will help you the most. Write It Down When you write down your feelings and fears, you give yourself permission to let them go. Rather than causing you to dwell on the negative, writing down negative feelings gives you clarity about what’s really bothering you and helps you to move on.

You can use a journal, a spiral notebook, or just some paper. If you’re having trouble getting started you can imagine you’re writing a letter to your parents, a sibling, or a good friend. This may keep it from feeling awkward for you.

Writing about your relationship can help you to uncover things about it that you didn’t know before. It can help you become clearer about what went wrong and what went right. It can help you to understand why you want to get back with your ex and what things may make getting back together challenging. Journals can also help you to get out your feelings of anger, frustration, and hurt that are often caused by breaking up with someone special. Journaling isn’t for everyone, but it’s a good idea to try it before you decide it won’t work for you. Many people find it strange at first, but then get to the point where they can’t live without it. It’s a great way to start or end a day to help you focus on what lies ahead. Depend On Your Friends In times of crisis, your friends are usually the first people you turn to. You don’t want to spend all of your time whining and crying in your beer about your loss. However, friends can be good sounding boards when you need some help. They can also be great at helping to distract you so that you can learn to have fun again. So call up some of your pals and make plans to go out for dinner, lunch, shopping, a movie or whatever it is you enjoy doing. Advice from a Pro If you’re feeling really desperate or unhappy and you feel yourself sliding into a depression, you may want to look for a professional who you can talk with. It often helps to have an objective person to talk to.

The only real downside is that it can cost a pretty penny to see a therapist. It can also take a few sessions to feel like you’re getting the results you need. You may also Chapter 4: Re-Igniting the Spark Page 30 of 62

have to shop around for a counselor that fits well with you. No two counselors are alike and you may just not jive with someone. Focus on Fun The first three suggestions here have been directed at helping you get out your emotions. But sometimes you need to just turn them off and do something else. What kinds of things do you enjoy? Make a list of your favorite activities and try to do at least one of them each day. Taking your mind off of your breakup can help ease the feelings of desperation and panic that you may be feeling. It can also help you to see that you can enjoy life on your own. You need to be a whole person before you can make a relationship really work. Avoid Substances Many people turn to alcohol or other drugs to help ease the pain of loneliness and fear. But alcohol is a depressant and will only serve to make you feel worse. In addition, the effects of alcohol poisoning and hangovers can wreak havoc on your body. These may seem like quick fixes for your mood, but try to abstain from having too much alcohol and keep away from any type of drug. Keeping your mind clear and your body free of toxins will help you a lot more than drowning your sorrows in a bottle. Alcohol and drugs also have a way of taking your judgment from you. That means you’ll be more likely to call your ex or try to see him or her. This could jeopardize your true goal of getting back together with your ex. What’s more important: A night of fun? Or a lifetime of happiness with your true love? When you’re making decisions about how to treat your body, it’s critical that you think about the long-range plans. Your Appearance Please remember one of your goals is to “break the pattern” and there are numerous inexpensive ways to make a transformation. Your other MAIN GOAL is to focus on YOURSELF. Improving yourself and taking care of some of these items below can really skyrocket your self-esteem and confidence.

1. Men- UPDATE YOUR WARDROBE. Pick up a copy of the latest Men’s Fitness, GQ or Esquire and take a look through the pages and get a feel for what is in style right now. You don’t have to spend a fortune. But you need to know if your “acid wash” jeans are in or out.

Women- You probably keep up on fashion. If for some reason that you don’t…I recommend you do the same as the men. Pick up a few of the latest issues of Chapter 4: Re-Igniting the Spark Page 31 of 62

Cosmo, Vogue or Elle. You don’t have to be New York Chic. This is more about you feeling great about what you are wearing.

2. Change your hairstyle. Even simple changes can give you drastic results. A slight change in color. Parting your hair on a different side. Men if you are going to a barber…try going to a salon and getting some advice. Ladies if you have been going to the same stylist for years, see if she can help you with a fresh look. If not then give someone else a try.

3. For about $50 you can get a teeth whitening system that works pretty well from Wal-mart. Many dentists sell these kits very inexpensively. You will NOT believe what a change it will make in your appearance to whiten your teeth a few shades.

4. Dentistry. If you have been putting off dental work. Get it done! Especially, if it is affecting your smile. This gives you HUGE boosts in self confidence. You can smile again! And just wait until you see the look not only on your lovers face, but others as well. Go get it done. You are worth it! And it won’t be as painful as you think.

5. Skin problems – This is another area that can be fixed pretty easily and with marked improvement in 30 days. Make an appointment with a dermatologist. You can get some valuable and professional advice for the price of an office visit.

6. Plastic Surgery? I do NOT recommend for this course to get any kind of plastic surgery, tummy tucks, breast enhancements or any other permanent changes. There is plenty you can do that will drastically alter your looks without resorting to something permanent. Plus, the fact that many procedures require at least a couple weeks to a month of healing time. During that time you will be swollen and bruised. I am NOT taking a position for or against permanent procedures. I am only saying it is NOT necessary to win back the love of your life…Okay?

Please don’t whiz by the above section. It is really key! If you don’t know where to start, I would recommend taking baby steps. Those little steps will, as you accomplish them, excite and motivate you on to other steps. So for example, you could start with the teeth whitening. This is easy, inexpensive, and makes your smile go BANG! You will see and feel a huge difference and that will usually motivate you to “conquer” other steps.

If you are still having problems getting started above run through The Fast Forward Technique about the negative feelings you are having. Chapter 4: Re-Igniting the Spark Page 32 of 62

The Next Step Once you have put your “health plan” together, you need to make it a routine. You’ll need to keep up your routine of physical maintenance while you take the next steps in the plan. In fact, these are all great habits to build into your overall lifestyle. When you put out a feeling of energy and confidence, you’ll be bound to attract many people to you. You’ll see that being positive and healthy will bring your ex to you like a moth to a flame. But you’re not ready to approach your ex just yet. In the next chapter we’ll talk about dating possibilities and avoiding the dreaded rebound relationship.

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