How to get your wife back -chapter 3

Chapter 3:

Removing the Splinter in Your Relationship?

For right now, your relationship has ended. You’re now at a crossroads. You can either choose to go down the road of reconciling, or you can continue your search for the right person for you.

Obviously you’re interested in rekindling the romance because you’re reading this book. But is that the right decision? In this chapter we’ll talk about how to pinpoint the problem with your relationship in the first place.

Then you’ll learn to evaluate whether or not this relationship is worth saving, or if it’s time to move on.

Where Did You Go Wrong? Now that you’re spending some time apart from your ex, you can take a step back and look at your relationship. It’s difficult to be completely objective, but you need to try to remove your emotions from the facts about your relationship. Take some time to review the highlights and the low times of your partnership. There’s a tendency to look back on your relationship and only see the good things or the bad things. In real life, everything is a mix. Looking at the Positives So what are the things that caused you to fall for your ex in the first place? What is it about you that was appealing to him or her? It’s critical to think about the way the two of you were in the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship, because that’s where you need to return in order to rekindle the romance. Chances are high that your daily life has found a way to suck the romance right out of your relationship. Those things that caused you to fall in love in the first place have been buried underneath other experiences and the changes you’ve gone through as you’ve naturally grown. It’s time to pull yourself out of the rubble, dust yourself off, and get back to what made you part of this couple in the first place. What is it that attracted you to your partner?

What about you caught their eye? Take a few moments to think about the qualities that really made your relationship work. Did you:

 Like to travel together?

 Enjoy the same books?

 Enjoy the same movies and entertainment?

 Play a sport together?

 Just enjoy talking to one another?

 Listen to the same music?

 Find each other physically attractive?

 Like the same restaurants/clubs?

 Have the same ideas about family and children?

 Share spiritual and moral beliefs?

There can be any number of things that make a couple enjoy spending time with one another and want to be together all the time. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, you think about the other person constantly. What kinds of things were you thinking about when you first met your ex? Whatever it was that helped to build the foundation of your relationship, you’ll have to get back to it in order to reunite. So it’s critical that you spend a good deal of time looking for the positives in your relationship. In other words, what made you fall in love? You may want to print this page out and physically write down some of these things in the following space so that you can refer back to them later. Positives ______________________ _______________________ ______________________ _______________________ ______________________ _______________________

Noticing the Negatives Like all things in life, no relationship is perfect. And your relationship built up enough negative things that it caused a split. Sometimes a breakup is caused by one large “deal breaker” issue. On the other hand, relationships can also end as a result of many small problems that build up over time. What are some of the problems that you had in your relationship? Take the time to list those now. You may have some negative feelings right now that lead you to say things like, “he’s a man-whore,” or, “she’s a witch with a capital B.” While you may feel like this, these ugly phrases really don’t describe the problem. Try being more objective. For example:

 We had different ideas about commitment.

 I was ready to settle down, but he was not.

 Our spiritual beliefs were different.

 Our values were not the same.

 We didn’t enjoy the same interests and hobbies.

 Our philosophies of children and parenting didn’t match up.

 We didn’t have a very good sex life.

 There was a lack of physical attraction.

 There was infidelity in the relationship.

This is only a partial list and there are many possibilities for the negative aspects of your relationship. Try to be very specific as you list them.

Negatives ______________________ _______________________ ______________________ _______________________ ______________________ _______________________

A Word About Infidelity When it comes to cheating, there are a lot of things you need to think about. First of all, cheating doesn’t usually happen in a vacuum. That means that there were reasons why your partner was dissatisfied in your relationship and looked for something in someone else. At the same time, there are people who are simply not willing to commit to one individual. If your partner is like Dr. McSteamy and can’t get enough of women – any women – you have a bigger problem. When cheating has been part of your relationship, you’ll need to look at your partnership and try to determine why the infidelity occurred. Now that you’ve looked at some of the pros and cons about your relationship as objectively as possible, take some time to review your list. Over the next month while you’re working on your plan, you may want to revisit this list and add or take away things. Why Do You Want To Get Back Together? Another critical thing you need to analyze is your reason for wanting to get back into the same relationship. We all have initial feelings of regret, but are your reasons concrete enough to justify returning to the same person? The Lies We Tell Ourselves You may feel desperate to get back together with your ex. But why? In those first few days after a breakup, you may have a thousand reasons to get back together. You may think:

 I’ll die without him.

 He was my whole life.

 I’ll never find anyone as good as her.

 She was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 I can’t be happy alone.

 It will all be different next time.

 I will change everything wrong that I did before.

It’s totally normal to feel like this, but you need to know that all of the above statements are false! You can absolutely be a happy individual again with or without this person.

(If you are still struggling with your emotions, please go back and do The Fast Forward Technique again) If you don’t understand this fundamental concept, you’re going to have a harder time whether or not you do get back together. If you go on thinking that you can’t make it alone, then you’ll have problems in this relationship and any relationships you have in the future. The truth is, you have to make sure that you’re okay with yourself first. Not only will you be happier, but you’ll be more attractive to potential suitors. If the above list of reasons are the only ones you have for getting back together with your ex, you need to reconsider whether or not you really need them or you need to find yourself. This is the truth: You will not die without your ex. If he was your whole life, then you need to improve your life first. You can find plenty of perfectly good people if you put yourself out there. He may have been a very good thing in your life, but you can have more good experiences. You can be happy alone. People aren’t perfect, and they don’t change that much. This may seem blunt, but sometimes you need the cold, hard truth. Legitimate Reasons to Explore Now that we’ve squashed the irrational reasons for getting back together with someone, it’s time to look at some reasons why it might be a good idea. Was the breakup a rash decision? For some people, breaking up is done impulsively as a result of a specific problem instead of something that spans the whole relationship. Maybe you haven’t really tried to solve the problem. In this case, it may be worth taking another look at your relationship before kissing the whole thing goodbye. After all, you’ve invested time and emotions into this person. Were you happy most of the time you were together? Many couples throw away a great relationship because of one or two bad experiences together. It’s important to know that all relationships have ups and downs. If you’re happy together the majority of the time, it’s probably worth trying to work out the smaller kinks. If you’re seeking perfection in your partner, you may end up alone and bitter – because we all have faults. Do you generally want the same things? Does your ex want most of the same things you want out of life? Is it possible that you can accept some of his or her negative qualities in order to have the big picture of what you want? Making Big Changes It would be wonderful if everyone could instantly change everything they did that someone else didn’t like. It would also be wonderful if you could wave a magic wand and transform your relationship from a battlefield to a bed of roses. Unfortunately, that’s just not human nature. It’s important for you to accept the fact that you’re probably not going to become a completely different person any time soon. Yes, some people have life-changing experiences and moments that really help clear up their purpose. But overall, people don’t change that much. You can’t expect your ex to go from the Wicked Witch of the West to Glenda the Good Witch in an instant. Once a green girl, always a green girl. Reevaluating Your Goals You may be afraid after reading this chapter that the aim of this book is not actually to help you get back with your ex. The truth is, if you get back with your ex and it truly brings you the long-lasting happy ending you want, then the book has served its best purpose. But if getting back together with your ex is only going to take you down a long and messy road of misery and unhappiness, it’s probably better than you don’t get what you want this time. The purpose of this chapter is to help you really look at your relationship with a critical eye and decide if it’s what you really want and need for your future. Is your ex the person of your dreams? Or are you just afraid that there’s no one out there? Fear of the unknown may be scarier to you than the hell of a dysfunctional relationship. That’s one of the reasons you have to continue waiting a month to get back in contact with your ex. It will allow you even more of a cooling off time so that you can determine if you really want to get back together or if you want to move on with your life. Where Do They Stand? So we have been talking about where you stand and that is a big part of the equation. Also important, is where your ex stands. Many partners come to the wrong conclusion due to a major misconception that we are going to clear up right now. Love And Hate Are NOT OPPOSITES Let me repeat, LOVE AND HATE ARE NOT OPPOSITES. So if hate is not the opposite of love, what is? The opposite of love is complete and utter indifference. Indifference is the opposite of love. This distinction can really help you accurately assess where you stand and how difficult it may be to get your ex back into your life. See, the line between love and hate is a thin one. So, even though your ex may scream how much they “hate” you. Remember, a week ago they were telling you how they couldn’t live without you. See how thin that line is? In fact, in a situation like the above, it is easier to reunite than a situation where the passion has just fizzled to a point where there just isn’t any emotion whatsoever – indifference. Once You’ve Made the Decision If you’ve decided that your relationship is worth fighting for, then please continue. In the next chapters, you’ll learn how to take care of yourself, formulate a plan, open the lines of communication with your ex, and get back in the game. Once you’ve been able to achieve reconciliation, you’ll also learn some strategies for protecting your relationship from further breakups. In the next chapter, you’ll learn how taking care of yourself is the first step to taking care of your relationship.

It’s the first step toward getting back into love.

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