How to get your wife back – chapter 6

Chapter 6:

Easing Back Into Your Relationship to Solidify Your Love

By the time you’re ready to take the steps in this chapter, at least 30 days have passed since your breakup. Right?… Right? You’re looking and feeling your best. You’ve been dating a little and experiencing new possibilities. Now it’s time to continue with your plan to reconnect with your ex. So how do you get back into his or her life when you’ve been out of it for a while? That’s exactly what you’ll learn in this chapter. How Do You Feel? Before you can begin communicating with your ex again, you need to do a check on how you’re feeling. By now you should be feeling a little bit stronger, self-assured, and you should be having some fun. This will really help to dial down the feeling of panic or desperation that you were feeling in the first few days of the breakup. So how are you really feeling right now? This is important, because if you’re feeling desperate you’re not ready to start talking to your ex yet. Your attitude should be that you can live without him or her and that you’re ready to move on. If you’re still having the feelings that you can’t live without this other person, you’re not ready. Why does this matter? Because your ex knows you well. He or she will know if you’re calling out of desperation. When that happens, you’ll immediately lose points with your ex. Instead of seeming more attractive to your ex, you’ll become less and less appealing. So even if you’re really wishing that you could talk to your ex, don’t do it unless you’re in the mindset of moving on. You may think that you can fake it, but when you have a lot of history with someone it’s really hard to fake emotion. Realize that you’re not much of a mystery anymore to your ex. Wait until the time is right. The First Contact

Okay. You feel like you’re ready. So now it’s time to make a plan to get this person back into your life – and hopefully back into your arms. You’ll need to start with a simple phone call. But the object of the call is really to get this person back into your Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 39 of 62

physical presence only. A short and fun “get together” NOT a date or “I want to talk to you”. Your real objective is just to be seen by him/her, have some fun and to try and ignite a little spark again. If you have done the work on yourself we have discussed, when you meet a “pattern break” usually occurs. You can usually tell because they will act very friendly and different than they had in the past. You seem “new”, exciting, attractive and most importantly they don’t automatically associate the “bad feelings” to your appearance. While you’re going to start with a phone call, it’s not just any old phone call. You need to choose how you’re going to approach your ex with thought. Here are some guidelines:

 Try to pick a time to call your ex when you predict he or she will have a few moments to talk privately

 Focus on fun – don’t bring up ugly memories

from the past

 Prepare to talk about something good in your

relationship – a funny or sweet experience

 Keep it pretty short

 Ask your ex to meet you for a specific

activity – lunch, coffee, etc. (make it a short occasion.) Lunch is way better than dinner. Your ex may fear that you want to have some long grueling conversation or confrontation. You can put them at ease by implying that you will only have a half hour or so.

 Dial down any desperate feelings

While you’re talking to your ex, you need to make sure and keep things pretty light. Talk to him or her for a few minutes and as soon as you feel like you’ve got your old comfortable rapport going, break out your invitation. You don’t need to beat around the bush – just ask! Be specific about a date, time, and activity or location. You should try to call about a week before you actually want to see him or her. This will give you some time to do a little more prep work before the get together. Voicemail It’s possible that you’ll get all geared up to make the phone call, and your ex won’t pick up the line. In the days of caller ID, your ex will most likely know that you called. But you shouldn’t leave a message just yet. At this point you may be tempted to call your ex 500 times a day until you get him or her on the phone. This is a very bad idea. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 40 of 62

Instead call one time and then wait a few days to call again. This may seem incredibly difficult to do when you’re anxious – but your ex will get the message that you’re not desperate. The less desperate you appear to be, the more likely it will be for your ex to pick up the phone. Just seeing your number on the caller ID one time may pique his or her curiosity. Waiting a couple of days to call back will let that curiosity grow. You may even get a call from your ex in response to seeing that you’ve called. If this happens – even better! If you’ve called every couple of days for a week with no response, it’s time to give it a longer break. Keep doing what you’re doing – dating, taking care of you – then try again a few weeks later. Never call more than once a day. If several weeks go by and your ex isn’t responding, it’s time to just let it go. Don’t resort to any other type of communication. Don’t leave a comment on your ex’s my space, send a text message, or type an email. Just let it go. Dating Danger Don’t try to ask your ex to do anything that might be uncomfortable or intimidating. The following list of things is out of the question:

 A wedding

 A large family gathering

 Long meal

 Movie

 Theatrical performance

 Company party

These are all events that are great when you’re dating someone seriously, but when you’re working on returning to your relationship you want to tread lightly. Stick to an activity where the two of you can talk, but where you won’t have to be locked in to a couple of hours together.

Something short and simple is best. Doing lunch is a perfect idea. You may also suggest going out for coffee or a drink. Something that seems casual, gives you time to talk, and won’t last very long is what you’re shooting for. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 41 of 62

Getting a Yes You’re most likely to get a yes to your date if you’ve planned really carefully before you make the call. If you’ve chosen something really specific and non-threatening you’re chances of your ex accepting are much higher. Getting a No You may meet with a little apprehension. Like “Uhhh…I really don’t know?” If so… Just kind of chuckle and nonchalantly say “It’s only coffee”…or “only lunch” This most times will turn into “Okay.” It’s possible that in spite of your careful planning, your ex will not agree to go on a date with you. At this point you may be tempted to:

 Beg and plead

 Get angry

 Accuse your ex of cheating on you

 Rehash every argument you ever had

 Generally fly off the handle

The appropriate response is to gracefully bow out by accepting their no. You can just say, “Alright,” and wish your ex well and then end the conversation. This leaves the door open for future communication. One of two things will then happen. Later on you may receive a call from your ex. It may be that he or she really just needed a little more space before seeing you again. He or she may call you to ask you out – and if you’re still interested you can accept. Believe it or not, you may have already really moved on to a new relationship by the time you hear from your ex again. It’s possible that you’ll be the one who isn’t at all interested in a reconciliation. If you don’t receive a call from your ex, it’s really time to move on. Keep taking care of yourself and continue to date. Don’t keep calling your ex and begging them to see you. This will just make them even less likely to want to spend time with you. Nobody wants to be pressured by a needy person. It may be time to really accept that this relationship is over. But you will live – and you will love again. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 42 of 62

Preparing for the Date You may be rejoicing in the acceptance of your date! But don’t get too excited yet – you’ve still got work to do. There are a lot of things you need to do to prepare for this date. Relax When you start to get stressed, those feelings of neediness may return. Again, you want to keep yourself in “moving on” mode. This means that you have to turn off the part of your brain that is going to put a lot of pressure on you during the date. You must relax and try to focus only on enjoying yourself. If you try to make this date about hashing out your problems and forcing your relationship back together you’ll be making a big mistake. The more pressure you put on your ex at this date, the less likely you’ll be to have another chance. This must be a stress-free, no-pressure get together. Put Your Best Foot Forward

You want to make sure that you show how confident and happy you are. Make sure to dress your best and show how well you’ve been taking care of yourself. You don’t want to appear downtrodden and miserable.

Instead, do your best to look healthy, glowing, and happy. Keep a smile on your face and a gleam in your eye. Mentally prepare yourself to keep things positive during the date.

During the Date When you’re actually on the date, it’s critical that you avoid some of the common pitfalls that may make your date miserable instead of bringing you closer together. Avoid Upset There may be several things you might consider doing once you finally have your ex in your presence. Most of these things should be avoided. Here is an example of some bad strategies that may run through your head:

 Spending more than the allotted ½ hour or1 hour window of time with your ex

 Trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship while you’re talking to him or her

 Focusing on how hurt and sad you are

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 Acting downtrodden and desperate

 Trying to seduce your ex

 Attempting to make them jealous

All of these things will only make your problems worse. You must not give in to your desire to do any of these things. The more you try to force things or bring up bad feelings, the less likely you’ll be to have the reconciliation that you want. Keep Things Light While you’re with your ex, try to just relax and have a good time. You’re not going to spend much time together this first date – and you want to leave your ex wanting more. Try to choose an activity that’s something you both enjoy doing. Also try to avoid talking about your relationship very much. Just have fun talking and doing the things that helped you to fall in love in the first place. If you do talk about anything in your history, make sure it’s something that is a good memory – not a fight or anything having to do with the breakup. If an hour goes by and you wish you could spend more time together, forget about it. It may help to schedule something after the date so that you absolutely must leave before you have too much time together. You want to leave things so that you both want to spend more time together at another time. The Instant Reconnect Technique This is a psychological tactic that will trigger his/her subconscious into believing that you are back together again. While it is very simple to do, it is extremely powerful. While you are eating or drinking your coffee…slowly reach over to them and do the “imaginary food particle” wipe. Like they have something on their face. This works extremely well because ONLY people that are in some kind of “loving relationship” do that for each other. So you are signaling to their subconscious mind that you are still in a loving relationship. Does that make sense? You can also use if it seems more appropriate: The Tie Straightener The imaginary lint or hair on the shirt. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 44 of 62

Something in the hair Eyelash on the cheek The Instant Reconnect Technique has a secondary benefit. You can gauge how well your “get together” is going. If they jump out of their skin or pull away…then you know you still have some work to do. On the other hand, if they SMILE and/or thank you, that is of course – positive! Just one warning, don’t do this minutes after meeting them again. Wait until it seems natural. At the End of the Night The way your date ends is just as important as how it began. You must work hard to make sure that you leave your date with a good impression – and that you leave him or her wanting more. Ending the Date If you’re both having a great time, it’s time to end the date. This will make it more likely that your ex will want to see you again. However, you shouldn’t end the date by scheduling another. At the end of your time together you can comment on what a nice time you had, how nice it was to see your ex, but then you just have to say goodbye. Don’t arrange another date and time to see your ex. If Your Ex Asks You However, if your ex talks about wanting to see you again and asks you out for a date, it’s perfectly acceptable for you to say yes. You just don’t want to initiate anything. You need to make sure you exude confidence and appear to have really moved on. Tension Rising It’s possible that on this first date – even though you don’t bring up any relationship problems – your ex will start wanting to discuss the breakup. If this happens, just let your ex say whatever it is they need to say. Don’t get defensive or engage them in this conversation. Just accept what they have to say to you. If you try to change their mind or defend yourself, you’re likely to make the date a miserable experience. You don’t want to do that. Your best option is to simply say “I don’t want to talk about the past…it’s the past…let’s just have some fun.” And change the subject to something fun. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 45 of 62

This works. It works a majority of the time. If they continue to press you, they are really just looking for a validation of their feelings. And you can easily say… “I know you may have feelings that are unresolved. I know that. I am not saying we can never discuss them…I am just saying let’s just not do it today.” (you say this with a very compassionate and caring tone.) (Note: If you followed the previous instructions about limiting the time frame of your get together…these conversations generally do NOT come up.) Continuing to Date So, if your first get together went well you’re probably wondering what the next step will be? You want to take things slowly. Rushing right back into the relationship can bring you right back to where you started. Instead, just give it a little break – about a week or so- before you try asking out your ex again. It’s very possible your ex will call you to set something up. If that happens just go with it and make the plans.

Otherwise, call about a week after the date and try to set up another one. Use the same technique of having a light conversation. Also try to plan a fun activity that will let the two of you really relax and enjoy time together, but one that will induce some type of emotions of excitement.

The more adventurous the better. Putting a little bit of fun back into your dating can help to spark the romance again. A roller coaster ride, an outing on a speed boat, a fireworks display, an exciting magic show are examples that will be “emotional” and memorable dates.

But more importantly…

Is the psychological benefit of an emotionally charged date. Those “emotions” when shared with you will link her/him with you emotionally again! You will have a strong “shared experience”. This is a scientifically proven phenomenon. When two people go thru an emotionally elevated experience it bonds them together. Now this is where it gets even more interesting. If you can pile on 3 or 4 different locations and experiences in one date, in other words, change your environment 3 or 4 times on the date, this will bond (re-bond) them further to you. So what you do is set-up 3 or 4 emotionally charged mini-dates. So you might start out with a roller coaster ride, and then take them to the horse track, after the track to a comedy skit or club. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 46 of 62

See? You are not using coercion. You are not begging them. It just happens by taking advantage of how everyone’s mind works. Bonding happens unconsciously through shared experiences. (This is a secret that is well known by “Don Juans” and people that study the art of seduction, but is not known by the general population.) IMPORTANT: Please do not use this technique alone. You have to “break the pattern” first. Follow the plan…okay? About Sex- IMPORTANT! Advice to men: You want to try and restart the sexual relationship ASAP. Sex IS bonding for a woman. If you have sex together, in most cases in her mind…You ARE back together.

You may worry that getting her back in bed will be hard to do. If you have followed the steps up to now, don’t worry. First, women will sleep with someone they have slept with before much easier than they will a brand new lover. So, you have an advantage.

So, you have taken her here and taken her there. You have strengthened the bond by compressing multiple “emotional experiences” in a short period. Now you MAKE UP a reason to go to her house or better yet…your house, because it IS all clean and IS a testament to the new you…right? So you make up a reason. And this is vitally important. You know and she knows what “could” happen. But, a woman needs “plausible deniability”. You don’t just say “Hey, let’s go back to my place” wink…wink…because women are programmed to not purposely be “loose”. Does that make sense? This is much more effective. “Hey, I got the new Korn CD at the apartment we could go back and listen to it while I show you pictures of my Vegas vacation.” (don’t wait for an answer, just start to go.) Now, she knows EXACTLY what is going on. But, she has “plausible deniability”. She can rationalize…that she is going to listen to music and see some pictures. Not go back and make mad passionate love to you. She will either say…”okay” and follow you…or just follow you without saying anything… Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 47 of 62

Or…she may say “okay…but don’t get any ideas.”…which you will teasingly say with a smile on your face…something to the effect of… “WHOA…slow down…animal…I just want to show you some pictures.” Let her have her “plausible deniability”. Now, if she comes out with a flat out NO. That is okay…just let her have a little more time. Don’t push. Don’t get all emotional on her. Once you are back at your place. Play your CD and show her the pictures or whatever the “excuse” was to get her there. Take it slow and start with a slight touch on her shoulder…or her hand. Make it almost accidental. See how she reacts. Apply the “reconnect technique”. If the reactions are positive…take it forward. If the reaction gets a negative vibe then step back. If for some reason it doesn’t progress into the bedroom. That is okay. You have come a long way. You just try again another time. But, do not get all desperate and needy. Everything is cool with you…no matter what happens. If you can tell you have hit a brick wall. Say… “I had a terrific time today. Are you ready to call it a night?”…and be “good” with ending the date. Advice to women: You do NOT want to sleep with your ex until you have a re-commitment from him. I am not saying to “pressure” him for a reconciliation or commitment. In fact, you want it to be his “idea”. At the same time, you do NOT go back to bed with him until you are back together. Look, men value what they have to work for and what is rare. And men WANT what is rare. THAT is why they commit. They commit to a woman that they feel is valuable, special and RARE. There are also numerous other psychological advantages you will have by choosing NOT to sleep with him. Including:

1. Adding to the mystery.

2. Occupying more of his “mind space”

3. Keeping his desire for you piqued.

4. Much faster reconciliation.

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5. Increased respect for you.

6. Much more…

Now, inevitably, when things are going well and you are refusing to sleep with him he will want to know why? I recommend that instead of telling him you are “holding out for a commitment” Which sounds manipulative, simply tell him that “You are done with casual sex.” See? True. Not manipulative. And it makes your decision not about him, but your values. PLUS…it leaves it open for him to say…”This is NOT casual sex.” To which…you respond… “Oh????????????” (and then turn on your “lie detector”) If Your Date Goes All Wrong It’s possible that you’ll begin dating again to find that you have the same old problems all over again. This may mean that it’s really time to move on with life. What are you holding on to?

You may want to repeat the steps from the beginning:

 Take a break

 Take care of yourself

 Make initial contact again

 Another first date

It may be that it was too soon for you two to try again. It also may mean that this just isn’t the right relationship for you in the first place. You’ll have to trust your instincts. However, if you have to repeat this process more than once, chances are you need to reevaluate. Do you keep putting yourself in this position because you feel like you need to be in this relationship? Are you giving in to feelings of panic and desperation? If this is happening, it’s time to really move on. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 49 of 62

Talking About Being Together If you’ve been dating again for a few months, you may feel like it’s time to actually talk about whether or not you’re going to get back together. Even if you’re behaving like you’re back together, you still need to have an official conversation about it.

Just like you’ve been working to keep things light, you need to continue that pattern when you’re getting ready to ask your ex about a more permanent reconciliation. It’s also a good idea to continue letting your ex take the lead. You can ask questions and test the waters.

For example, you can say, “Didn’t we make a great couple?” This kind of question allows you to see how your ex is really feeling about the time you’ve been spending together. Is it just casual or was your ex thinking that this was going down the road of reconciliation?

Once you’ve asked the question, leave it hanging out there until your ex answers it. Sure, there may be some uncomfortable silence, but you can deal with that – you’ve been handling that well for months now. Let your ex do the talking. He or she will either agree that yes you did make a good couple. You may also get the answer that you’re ex isn’t interested. If you get a positive response, then ask your ex if he or she wants to get back together. Again, patiently await the response. Reunited and It Feels So Good

If you got the positive response you’ve been waiting for all this time – congratulations! It was well worth the months of effort that you put into planning and preparing.

You’re now on the road to a true partnership. But your journey isn’t over yet! In fact, there’s still plenty of work to be done. The reasons for your original breakup can still rear their ugly heads. So take a little time to enjoy the fact that you’re back together. But after you’ve had a breath, it’s time to work on how you’re going to keep your love alive. Chapter 6: Easing Back Into Your Relationship Page 50 of 62

Movin’ On

After all your months of courting and working on yourself, you may still get the answer you’ve dreaded – you’re not getting back together. If your ex flat out tells you that he or she has had fun, but isn’t interested in getting together for a committed relationship it’s time to cut your losses.

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion. Javan

You could spend your entire life going through cycles of trying to get back together. But the truth is that relationships shouldn’t be this hard to keep together. Sure they all require work, but when you get rejected over and over again it’s time to scrape together your self-respect and move on. The Next Steps If you’re back together with your ex, it’s time to continue to the next chapter. This chapter will give you all kinds of help to keep your relationship sparks alive. If you’ve decided that it’s time to move on, go ahead and turn to the last chapter of this book. This chapter is about moving on and handling heartbreak.

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