How to get your wife back-chapter 7

Chapter 7:

Maintaining the Fun and Love Without Dredging Up Old Wounds and Arguments

Congratulations! You’re back together with your ex. While it may be tempting to stop doing all the hard work that got you back into reconciliation, this is not the time to shirk your duties in the relationship. Remember what you led you to the breakup in the first place? That’s the trap you need to avoid as you get back with your ex. Find the Fun You’ve spent months wooing your ex with fun dates and conversation. You’ve laughed and had so many good times. Now that you’re back together, you may be tempted to get back into the old routines that are boring and stale. Instead of trying to look your best and take care of yourself, you may find that you want to be lazy and walk around in your sweats all the time. Of course you need to be able to relax in your relationship, but you also have make the commitment to keep working on it in order to keep the romance alive. You have to continue to be fun and exciting as often as possible. Weekly Date Nights Dating worked well for you during the reconciliation process right? So why not keep doing it? Even if you live with someone you can set aside a weekly date night to keep the romance fresh. Dinner and a movie is always nice, but you also need to remember to have a sense of adventure. Try doing things you haven’t done before. Here’s are many examples to help you get started:

 His and hers massages or pedicures at the local spa

 Bike riding through the local park

 Lasertag

 Miniature golf

 Roller skating at the local rink

 Ice skating

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 Playing cards or board games

 Going to the theatre

 Go canoeing

 Share a bubble bath

 Be a tourist in your own town and visit some local attractions

 Take a class to learn something you’ll both like such as rock climbing, scuba diving, dancing or martial arts

 Go camping

 Take a weekend getaway to a nearby destination

 Send your mate on a romantic scavenger hunt

 Go to a local wine tasting

 Visit an art gallery

 Go on a picnic – if it’s too cold outside you can do it right inside your living room

 Go “house-hunting” in your neighborhood for your dream home

 Get tickets for the local comedy club

 Hit the arcade

 Try bowling a few frames

 Enjoy a day at the local zoo

 Attend a sporting event of your favorite team

 Visit your local museums

This list is a great start, but don’t be afraid to let your imagination find even more little romantic ways to have fun. Giving your relationship variety is a great way to keep the spark fresh and new. If you feel like your relationship is headed back into a rut, you must get out of it as quickly as possible. Couples who play together and have fun have a better chance of being successful in the long run. Chapter7: Maintaining the Fun and Love Page 53 of 62

Keeping Things Fun From Day to Day There are many things you can do on a daily basis that will help keep fun and romance part of your life as a couple. For example:

 Leave little love notes for your sweetie in surprise places

 Pick up a single rose or small bouquet on the way to a date or on the way home

 Make his or her favorite meal and eat it by candlelight

 Rent a romantic movie

 Surprise your partner by doing something that’s normally his or her responsibility

 Make your significant other a mix CD of favorite songs

 Get a copy of a book or CD your love has been wanting

Take Time

Every day take time for each other. Even if you just focus 15 minutes on your partner each day you’ll be doing better than many people. Take that time to find out how their day went and share your own day.

Don’t forget to be physically affectionate with hugs, kisses, massages, and back scratches. These little touches can really bring you closer together as a couple. They don’t take a lot of time in your schedule and help to build intimacy.

Letting Go of the Past

Another key to making this relationship last a long time is letting go of the old arguments. There’s a tendency to bring up every hurtful thing that’s ever happened when you get your feelings hurt once. Try to look at every day as an isolated incident. It’s okay to make your feelings known, but it’s better not to go on the attack. Let go of the things that caused you to break up in the first place. There’s no need to rehash arguments. The same technique you used in the early communication phase of your reconciliation will continue to be valuable. Listen to what your partner has to say. Take responsibility for your part. Apologize. Move on. Give the Gift of Independence Chapter7: Maintaining the Fun and Love Page 54 of 62

When you first get back with your ex, you may have the desire to spend every waking moment with him or her. A little bit of a break can go a long way. Make sure that you give your partner some space to breath. You need to feel secure enough in your relationship that you can each pursue your own interests and friends. Allow your relationship to breathe a little instead of forcing yourselves to be together 24 hours a day. Embracing Disagreement It’s okay to disagree. In fact, it’s healthy to have different views and opinions on things. The problem is when arguments flare up because of those disagreements. There are some ground rules you can follow that will keep you from having knockdown drag-out fights.

 Own your feelings. Say, “I feel…” instead of accusing your partner.

 Figure out what you’re really angry about. Sometimes people argue about something that’s not really the problem in order to avoid a bigger issue.

 Determine if there’s another reason you’re angry. For example, are you sick, stressed at work, exhausted?

 Check to see if your partner is reacting because he or she is experiencing stress or fatigue.

 Make sure that you’re not rehashing old arguments.

 When you begin to talk about an issue that could cause an argument, make sure it is really worth it. Sometimes you need to pick your battles and let things go.

 Avoid attacking your partner personally. You may not like a behavior, but don’t accuse him or her of being a bad person.

 If things are getting too heated, sometimes a little bit of humor can help you diffuse a bomb.

 Don’t let issues get bottled up. Deal with problems immediately.

It’s okay to have disagreements from time to time. But you can avoid having major blow-ups if you work to really discuss your feelings. Don’t let things go on and on until you’re so angry you don’t even remember why. Choose to Forgive If there was a major issue that caused your breakup such as infidelity or unkind words, you need to be able to forgive your partner and yourself before you can really make it work. Chapter7: Maintaining the Fun and Love Page 55 of 62

Many people think that you have to wait until your feelings are better in order to forgive. But the truth is that you have to make the choice to forgive and then the good feelings will come. How do you forgive someone? Is there a process you can use? There’s no one right or wrong way, but there are some general tips you can follow.

 First, be specific about what it is you need to forgive. It needs to be a specific behavior, not just someone being mean.

 Ask yourself how you’re feeling. Are you angry? Frustrated? Disappointed? Pinpoint your exact feelings.

 It may help to write down your feelings or talk with a close friend or family member about them.

 Make the decision to let go of your anger. While someone else may have hurt you, how you react to it is your own responsibility.

 Talk to your partner about the problem. It helps to be heard. But when you talk to them give them specific behaviors and own your own feelings. For example, “When you cheated on me I felt very hurt.” No one can argue with your own feelings.

 Try to listen to your partner and understand where they are coming from. There’s usually a reason behind the behavior. Even if you don’t agree with it, hear it.

 Let your partner know that you forgive them. If you’ve done anything wrong to contribute to the problem, ask for forgiveness.

 Accept the fact that your partner may not be as ready to forgive as you are. Give them time.

In order for you to forgive, the guilty party doesn’t necessarily need to seek your forgiveness. You may not even have to talk to your partner about the problem in order to forgive and move on. You may just need to identify your own feelings and learn to let them go. Sometimes that’s all it takes. Forgive and Forget You’ve probably heard the old adage that you should “forgive and forget.” In most cases that is really true. Forgetting, though, is much harder than forgiving. You may need to change the way you look at the idea of forgetting. Chapter7: Maintaining the Fun and Love Page 56 of 62

We have a memory for a reason. It keeps us from making the same mistakes over and over again. We remember the burn of the hot oven or the sting of hurting someone else’s feelings.

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. Peter Ustinov

For this reason it’s critical that we don’t completely forget about our own mistakes. That can also be true for the mistakes of others. For example, if someone treats you very badly you need to forgive him or her.

But it’s not always a good idea to completely forget. If they keep doing it over and over again the pattern can help you make the decision to move on in your life.

However, you can’t keep rehashing old arguments all the time. You need to learn to handle each negative incident in isolation – not bring up all your partner’s mistakes from the past. Once you forgive someone, forgive them and let it go. But if they keep doing the same things to you over and over again, don’t overlook the big picture. Dealing With the Other People In Your Life When you reconcile with an old flame, you’re bound to get to hear the opinions of everyone from your mother to your best friend. While these people are very important to you and care about you, they can sometimes get too involved in your relationship. Make sure that you set boundaries with the people outside of your relationship and let them know that it’s not their place to interfere. It’s okay to listen to their opinions and advice, but let them know it’s okay if you make your own choices. Ask family members and friends to accept your ex back into their lives with open arms and let go of any hard feelings that they may have. Family and friends can really make relationship hell if you don’t set proper boundaries. Enjoy the Honeymoon

It’s so exciting to have your love back fresh and new. Enjoy this time and have fun together. But don’t forget that long-lasting relationships require real work and effort – even when two people are highly compatible.

Your problems were big enough at one point in your relationship to call it quits. You’ll have to watch carefully to make sure that things don’t get to that point again. Try to make every day as fun and friendly as possible. Things May Not Be What You Expect Chapter7: Maintaining the Fun and Love Page 57 of 62

It’s possible that you wanted to reconcile so badly, you neglected to realize that the two of you had some pretty serious problems. Things may not be everything you expected. You may find that reconciling was a mistake. If you get to the point that you feel the relationship isn’t salvageable, it’s okay to end things again. Just make sure to learn from your mistakes and make better choices the next time. In Chapter Eight you’ll learn some strategies for doing that.

Return To Table Of Contents Chapter 8: When Your Relationship Can’t Be Saved Page 58 of 62